Stream of Consciousness: I am only 19.

The world is moving so fast. Why has life become a race? 
I am living on a mattress in my cousins room in Utah, going to a small local college, working at Subway and spending my free time binge-watching Grey's Anatomy. 
I am only 19.

Everyday on instagram I see the girls I graduated with. They are living in their own apartments, attending the top colleges in the state, married to their best friend, some are even raising their own kids. 
They are only 19.

Am I jealous? Yeah, maybe a little.
Would I trade places with them? Not for the world. 

You see, a few months ago, I was one of them. I was living in my own apartment far away from home, I was attending a well-known college, and I was headed places; big places. I was only 19 and I thought that's what I was supposed to be doing. But I wasn't happy.

I blamed it on the depression. I blamed it on missing my medication the night before. I blamed it on homework and stress and life in general.

But as of right now, I am only 19, and I can't even tell you the last time I had a bad day. Sure, sometimes there are rude customers at work, more homework than I can handle, and days that I spill cereal all over my car, but those things don't stick out to me anymore. I don't spend my whole day sulking because of them. 

I can't tell you whether its because my depression has eased up, my attitude has changed, or I've just grown up. But what I can tell you, is that I don't care. I don't care what the reason is, I don't care if there's an explanation or some scientific theory that explains why I suddenly love my life. But I do. 
And I am only 19.

I may not be on the picturesque "road to success" like some of my classmates, but I think I like the dirt path that I'm on much better. 

Don't think this means that I've lost sight of my hopes and dreams, my ambitions and my goals. It just means that I've realized that its okay that they're not happening right now. I am only 19. I like to think that I've got time. I can only dream of the day that I come home from my job in the NICU and see my husband rocking the baby to sleep. But I will wait. And I will be so grateful when that day comes, whether its in 3 years or 15 years. I'd rather enjoy every day, try new things, experience life, and take a little more time to reach my goals. I've got time. 
I am only 19.

So maybe I won't graduate when I'm 22, buy the perfect house, get married and have 3 children by the time I'm 30. But you know what I will do? I will keep my mind active with school, even if it takes a little longer. I will be grateful for the job that I have, even though it might not be much to some. I will travel the world and learn new things. I will laugh, I will love, and I will live every single day to the fullest. 
All while I'm only 19.

Life is not a competition and its not a race. 

I don't have my own place with a husband and a baby on the way. 
I am only 19.

But I've learned how to live,
and I am only 19. 

**end stream of consciousness**



Well apparently, those are my thoughts. I really just wanted to write, and those are the words that my fingers typed.

If you're 19 with you're life together and you're happy, I am so proud of you.

But if you're 19 and you're life is a mess, that's okay. You are only 19. You have time. Learn to live. 






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