LDS & Depressed: My Battle with Depression

“Adam fell that men might be; and men are, that they might have joy.” (2 Nephi 2:25)

Living with depression is tough. Living as a Mormon with depression is agonizing…until I realized I wasn’t alone.

First I’d like to talk about exactly what depression is. Depression is a common mental disorder. Globally, more than 350 million people of all ages suffer from depression. (1) 

A medical dictionary defines depression as “a mood disorder in which feelings of sadness, loss, anger, or frustration interfere with daily life for weeks or longer.” (2) 

Real people who suffer from depression define it in the following ways:

“Depression is a dark, inescapable place. It's like being locked in a room with no light, windows or door. It's so dark you can't even see your hands in front of your face let alone find a way out.”

“It's like drowning ... except you can see everyone around you breathing.”

 “It’s more painful than any physical pain I've ever experienced. And NO-ONE can see it.”

“Depression is hating yourself so much you can't look in the mirror.”

“Depression is waking up wishing you'd died in your sleep.” (3) 

There’s quite a difference there, don’t you think? I have been through every single one of those feelings, over and over and over.

Before I get into being Mormon and having depression, I’ll just talk about depression in general.

 

Here is an example of a conversation I have had more times than I can count:

Person: What’s wrong?

Me: I don’t know.

Person: You can’t not know what wrong. Just tell me.

Wrong.  When I was feeling depressed, when I would lay in bed and cry for days, I truly cannot tell you what was wrong, other than that I have an illness, just like any physical illness. I hurt. That’s what’s wrong.  I don’t know why I was feeling that way, I didn’t know when I’d stop.  All I knew in that moment was that the only thing I could do was lay in bed and cry.

People suffering from depression do NOT want to hear the following:

• You don’t have it that bad.
• Happiness is a choice.
• You’re just being lazy.
• You never do anything, that’s why you’re depressed.
• I know how you feel.

The list goes on and on, but the main point is, people who suffer from depression are already feeling bad about themselves.  They have already noticed and repeatedly thought about every single flaw that they have.  The last thing they need is to be reminded of them.

Trying to get anything done is a chore when suffering from depression.  Getting out of bed, making a bowl of cereal, taking a shower, all of those things required way more energy than I had in me.  Imagine trying to do all of those things with a 2,000lb weight on your shoulders.  It’s exhausting.  Some days it was simply impossible.  And that’s why I quit going to school on a regular basis.  It’s why I didn’t finish seminary this year due to a lack of attendance.  It’s why I didn’t hang out with friends after school or on the weekends.  I just lost interest in all of those things and I stopped caring about my success because I figured there wasn’t really any point.  And all of those things I just mentioned, all they did was make me feel worse about myself.  I hated that I pushed all of my friends away because they didn’t deserve that.  I wanted to be happy and have fun with them, but I couldn’t.  I hated that I was failing more than half of my classes and that my parents couldn’t take pride in my accomplishments anymore, because I didn’t have any.  I feel like depression is just a never-ending cycle of not being able to do anything, and feeling even more depressed because you can’t.

When you have depression, at least in my experience, all you want is for someone to notice you, for someone to realize that you’re broken into a million little pieces, but not to ask you to explain.  A hug, a “you’re important to me,” or a simple “hello” can make all the difference in the world. But what happens when the brokenness goes unnoticed? Then what? Well, often times this leads to self-destructive behaviors whether it be self-injury, eating disorders, substance abuse, or suicide attempts.

That’s not the only reason that self-harm occurs.  Sometimes people participate in self-harm to punish themselves.  They may feel that they’ve done something wrong and they deserve to pay for it. 

Another reason, and the one I most closely associate with, is because they want to feel something.  Depression can leave a person feeling completely numb.  “Emotional numbness is the inability to feel much of anything.  Things that used to make us feel happy or elicit a smile produce a weak response or nothing.  Likewise things that should provoke us to anger or even tears result in an apathetic response.  It is a lack of emotion where there once was emotion.” It is “the mind protecting itself from too much pain.” (4) 

One person describes it as “a state in which nothing tastes, smells, or feels right and you are unable to think or make decisions--yet you still have to carry on doing all those things.”

When I became numb to the world around me, I started to wonder why it’s even necessary that I exist.  It’s not like I was having any contribution to society. I wasn’t a necessity to someone’s life. No one really needed me. So why would I continue to suffer through a life that I hate? At least, that’s how it felt for me.

So now let’s get into the religious aspects of my battle with mental illness.

Since I have such a love for and belief in my religion, why would I say that it makes dealing with depression so much more difficult?

I can’t count the number of times that I’ve heard the question “Why are Mormons so happy?” When you don’t fit the stereotype, you don’t feel like you’re living up to the expectations.

While I do believe that there are many people who really do enjoy life and can’t wait to wake up in the morning, I think Mormon’s have a tendency to over-exaggerate their zeal.  We don’t like to let people know that we have problems; we don’t want them to know that our family is dysfunctional, that we’ve gotten into things we shouldn’t have, or that we sometimes doubt our faith.  But the truth is, all of those things are part of life, even when you’re Mormon. 

Watching everyone around me seem so happy, so full of life and so motivated was hard because I felt like if I couldn’t actually be happy, I should at least be able to act like it.

But acting like a happy Mormon is incredibly difficult, especially when you can’t even act like a happy human.

The advice I got from people at church and even family members was to “just pray for comfort.” I hated hearing that.  The feelings of worthlessness that I experienced didn’t just translate into my relationships with friends and family, but also into the relationship I had with my Heavenly Father.  I couldn’t “just pray” because in my mind, I knew I wasn’t on the top of God’s priority list.  I doubted He even cared what I had to say, and I felt like I wasn’t worthy to talk to him. While it might sound like a lack of faith in God, for me, it was more of a lack of faith in myself.

Another suggestion I got from members of the church for dealing with my feelings was that maybe I “needed to repent.”  I was told that it was possible I was having these feelings because I felt guilty about something.  I am begging you, please, NEVER tell someone that.  Number one, a person’s standing with God is between them.  Not you.  If they’ve done something wrong, they need to repent of it when they feel ready, not when they feel pressured into it because it might make them feel better.  And number two, my worthiness before God was in no way contributing to the feelings I was having about myself.  In fact, I probably wasn’t doing too much wrong, considering I wasn’t doing much of anything. 

Here’s another reason religion made depression harder for me.  I fully believe in what my religion teaches about our post-mortal life.  I know what to expect when I’m no longer here on earth, and quite frankly, sometimes it sounds much better than being here.  That’s a thought I found myself having constantly. Why should I stay in a place that makes me miserable, when I could be somewhere so much more peaceful?  This was probably one of the most trying aspects of depression that I had to overcome.  

Thankfully, I was able to overcome these thoughts, and lucky for you (and me), there is a happy ending to this sad tale.

During my senior year when I was at one of my lowest points and I couldn’t handle things anymore, I finally told my parents that I needed to go talk to someone.  After a few weeks of therapy, I was diagnosed with clinical depression and anxiety, and I was put on medication to control it.  Honestly, that was something else that I struggled with, and still do even today.  It’s strange to think that some people take medication to control the pain of their arthritis, some people take medication to prevent blood clots, and I take medication just so I can make it through the day.  But it does help and that’s all that matters. 

The most incredible thing that I’ve been able to do since controlling my depression has been being able to restore the relationships with my family, friends, and Heavenly Father.  In fact, my testimony of the gospel has never been stronger.  Now that I can finally get through my day, read my scriptures, pray, hold conversations with my family, and see all the good around me, I’ve realized how much I truly am loved.  Getting my patriarchal blessing really helped me see that I do have a purpose here on earth, I am needed, and I am important.  I have learned so much about myself while dealing with this trial over the last few years, and I am grateful for that.  Depression has also given me a new perspective on life.  I have realized that people’s situations are not always as ideal as they seem and that I need to be kind and uplifting to everyone around me.  I don’t know what people deal with in their personal lives, I don’t know the thoughts that go through their heads, but I do know that I want to do everything I can to make sure everyone knows how important and loved they are. 

My battle with depression is not over, nor will it ever be.  I am not here to say that I never have a bad day or that bad thoughts don’t flood my head from time to time.  But what I am saying is that I’ve learned not to let those things control my life.  I have realized that my time here on earth is meant to be enjoyed.  I know that I will continue to struggle with this illness in the years to come, but I also know that I can conquer it. 

I have not beat my battle, there will be days that I will fall, but I will be victorious in the end.

XOXO, Anna.

Here is a link to an LDS talk given by Jeffery R. Holland on depression: https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2013/10/like-a-broken-vessel?lang=eng

Help and Statistics:

If you or someone you know is struggling with depression, self-destructive tendencies, or suicidal thoughts, please tell someone.  Don’t be ashamed to ask for help.  Also, if someone in your life is struggling, please be patient with them.  It is a tough time and even the person themselves doesn’t always know what’s going on.  Talk to them and be supportive. 

1. Nearly 30% of people with substance abuse problems also suffer from depression. (5)
2. More than 20 million people in the United States suffer from depression in a given year. (5)
3. Women are twice as likely to suffer from depression as men. (5)
4. In established market economies such as the United States, depression is the leading form of mental illness. (5)
5. As many as 15% of those who suffer from some form of depression take their lives each year. (5)
6. Approximately 80% sufferers of depression are not receiving treatment. (5)
7. Each year, 1 in 5 females and 1 in 7 males engage in self injury. (6)
8. 90 percent of people who engage in self harm begin during their teen or pre-adolescent years. (6)
9. Nearly 50 percent of those who engage in self injury activities have been sexually abused. (6)

Suicide Prevention Hotline: 1-800-273-TALK (8255)

Warning Signs of Suicide (7):

• Talking about killing or harming one’s self
• Expressing strong feelings of hopelessness or being trapped
• An unusual preoccupation with death or dying
• Acting recklessly, as if they have a death wish (e.g. speeding through red lights)
• Calling or visiting people to say goodbye
• Getting affairs in order (giving away prized possessions, tying up loose ends)
• Saying things like “Everyone would be better off without me” or “I want out”
• A sudden switch from being extremely depressed to acting calm and happy

If you think a friend or family member is considering suicide, express your concern and seek professional help immediately. Talking openly about suicidal thoughts and feelings can save a life!

** Truly accurate information about rates and trends of self-mutilation are difficult to come by because the majority of participants conceal their activities**

  

Notes:

1. https://www.dosomething.org/facts/11-facts-about-depression
2. http://www.nlm.nih.gov/medlineplus/ency/article/000945.htm
3. http://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/danny-baker/depression_b_5267263.html
4. http://www.healthcentral.com/depression/c/84292/103830/depression/#sthash.wHJLR0yI.dpuf
5. http://facts.randomhistory.com/random-facts-about-depression.html
6. http://www.healthyplace.com/abuse/self-injury/self-injury-self-harm-statistics-and-facts/
7. http://www.helpguide.org/articles/depression/depression-signs-and-symptoms.htm